Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Bible Thumpers and Blasphemy

Best way to wake up in the morning:

*Ding Dong* (the sound my phone makes when someone is at the front door to my building)

Me: (hoping it is the mailman with my new tarot deck) Hello (read in sleepy drawl)

Doorbell Lady: Hello, we have some wonderful free magazines for tenants.

Me: (not hanging up because I'm too tired to be rude)

Doorbell Lady: We have a wonderful issue about how to understand the bible better

Me: (chuckling) No thanks, I'm a witch.

Bible Lady (formerly known as Doorbell Lady): *sputter*

Now come on, is it really necessary for bible thumpers to actively recruit. If Jesus is so god damned powerful shouldn't he be able to get his own followers. Shouldn't people all around the world be running into the streets screaming "I found Jesus, I found Jesus, well actually he found me, he showed up with a free bible and told me to read the whole damn thing, then he told me to quit my job so I actually had TIME to read the whole damn thing". But wait, this chick wasn't even giving out free bibles, it was a cheap ass magazine ABOUT the bible. I bet it didn't even have any of the cool smoting shit, just the love and peace and happiness crap. Oh and burn the witches, isn't that whole "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" required text in EVERYTHING EVER WRITTEN WITH THE WORD BIBLE IN IT! You see, this is what happens when you wake me up with this "Lets go find Jesus" bullshit. So if I had been more awake I might have been able to come up with something a little more clever than "I'm a witch bitch" well, without the bitch part. The lady did have my apartment number after all and christians seem to be rather fond of putting witches and fire together for disasterous consequences. So, what should I have said: Perhaps

- I'm sorry, I have a baby in the oven I just must check on

- WTF! You are interrupting my human sacrifice!

- I just heard from Jesus, he wants me to ask if you have found Cernunnos?

- I was looking for Jesus for a while, but Satan found me first, and you know he invented all the good stuff, sex, chocolate, reality tv.

- I'm sorry, I was just about to have gay sex, while watching Harry Potter and reading The Origin of Species, can you call back later?

And as if I wasn't going to hell already (good thing I don't believe in that shit) here is some more blasphemy:


mrsb said...

My favorite?

"Sorry, I'm too busy studying witchcraft and becoming a lesbian to read the bible."

Usually makes them go far away and stay there.

Anna said...

LOL! Sorry you were awakened by the door-to-doors... They stop here every once in a while but whats funny is the one's on the bikes always pass us by, I'm not sure why? ... Mrs B. that is one of my fav's too I saw it on a t-shirt :-)

Anonymous said...

I found a door mat during halloween that reads - The Witch is in - and has a picture of a witch stiring a large cauldron. I leave it out year round. Now they don't bother to knock.

An I also love the witchcraft and lesbian comment.

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